When I was 19 I received an ominous message from a trusted source. I remember him laughing, almost apologetically, as he told me...
"The next step is long."
Back then I had an air of acceptance - I'd witness strange, seemingly impossible things and simply accept it. Admittedly, I didn't know what was going on half the time, weird things just happened and the world seemed more magical for it. I met A LOT of interesting characters back then, it was like they were drawn to me, and they would open their hearts, an ex-heroine addict who overdosed and was pronounced dead in an ambulance before being revived after 9 seconds, the self-proclaimed 'East-London god', a man whose information I would not do justice if I tried to squeeze it on here in a couple of sentences, a devout christian who was so pure in aura he quickly became my fast favorite for deeper conversation pieces. The individual in question, I hadn't seen him in years, but for some reason or another at this junction he had re-emerged and whatever the message he'd left for me, I felt he'd told me as much as I needed to know, when I needed to know it. I remember thinking 'how long is long? an hour? a day?' Surely I was close to whatever he was alluding to.
It turns out it was next level long. 10 years. well 9 years 273 days give or take a week as this type of feeling is a gradual climb and it's hard to pinpoint exactly when the hill disappears and the gradient straightens out to flat.
I never thought I’d be here again.
I’m more than I was when I was 19. I'm not talking about outer game, I'm talking about inner game. About spirit and soul... BUT... there is one major difference...
This time I have something I’ve never had.
I have the blueprint.
My experience and my past #sufferingiseverything has created an invaluable map. No more blind consumption and chasing feelings no matter the consequence. The discipline and awareness are the game changers. My 19 year old self embraced the chaos, but that was the ultimate mistake.
I now know exactly what to do to stop myself going too far, I’m now not chasing the high, I am enjoying the high. controlling it. Testing it. Nurturing it. If you’ve read the struggle, you’ll have noticed how I explain mania. It’s a metamorphosis. A sever or disassociation between body and mind. A world in constant motion with no control or knowledge as to how to stop it. It’s fun, scary, and can only end in one way.
Not this time…
Something is different...
This time I have all the tools…
I know how to manage it and more importantly I want to manage it. if I eat, sleep and exercise I can stay grounded whilst touching the other side without falling off the edge of the map. Funnily enough guess what the catalyst was to reach the level I thought would elude me this lifetime... It was no alcohol. The cheeky bastard hiding in plain sight.
I took a break from drinking earlier in January and that was it, the change was almost immediate, after the first dry weekend and the choices I was forced to make, instead of feeling left out, my mind started racing at a speed I had forgotten existed and moments later it became clear to me that I’d recovered the path that had long since been hidden from me.
For me, it turns out alcohol is like a diluted version of Zyprexa, basically a poison, dampening out the bright lights in my mind. I can't believe how abundant alcohol was in my life, I literally don't think I'd gone a weekend without it for as long as I can remember.
Alcohol was my matrix.
A prison that I couldn't see, feel, touch or smell, one that I was so dependent on that I would actively fight to protect it. If presented with the idea that perhaps I drink to much, I would respond with excuses, in fact I'd do anything to divert from the hard truth.
Alcohol was my matrix. If feels good to say it. Like finding a stone in your shoe, I've been living my life dragging this anchor for so long. But how did I find it? The answer had evaded me for years, why now? What's changed? it was like another version of me was buried deep, deep down inside... I was unconsciously drowning the other Michael.
Then one day something beautiful happened...
I found it again…
a state of being...
The state of being...
Weightless, boundless, everlasting.
It's worth mentioning that you cannot be in this state all the time, you’ll maybe steal several minutes in a day. For me, for the most part, I have to be in my own world. I have triggers. Certain thoughts that give me short, sharp moments of levity. I've come to realise a strong trigger is people, special people, and in their presence I feel at my strongest. I like mornings too, presently, I'm so excited for each day that I burst out of bed at 05.20 am - then I'm pretty much 'flying' till 6. I have my routine. Which I adore. 5.20 out of bed, music or a motivational compilation, it might sound a bit gay, but it keeps the mind focused on the task at hand, some sort of exercise, then kale, ginger, banana, water, flaxseed, lemon and celery into the nutribullet, first one in the office around 6.50 to open up, smash up an uncommonly large breakfast whilst enjoying the smoothie, wait for colleagues and the morning banter that comes with them. Breaks from the routine are costly, not to my mind, but I've noticed a detrimental effect on productivity and for this reason weekends are challenging and this is when discipline needs to be at it's highest. Ideally I treat the weekends like a weekday, up early and write, gym in the evenings etc. but social activities take a toll.
So what pulls me back / keeps me sane?
interaction, day to day tasks, responsibilities are always approached with a level head, the moment that this is not true is the moment I'm in real trouble. It means I'm no longer controlling the power, the power is controlling me. That is danger. Where you turn into an instinctual character with the unwanted characteristics I mentioned in the struggle, at least unwanted by any third party participant.
All passion, rage, joy...
I would not expect my body to survive another round of that, nor would I want to pick up the pieces should I survive.
A few people have been in touch since the publishing of this website so I know a small number can emphasise with me on my experiences having experienced something similiar themselves. To these people I ask, do you have a 'totem'? (borrowing this word from inception). An idea, thing or person, that, through the medium of thought, allows you to push forward to do things you couldn't previously do? I have a couple, one 'totem' in particular which has proved unbelievably powerful, it shocks me every time i use it, but I don't know the how or why surrounding why this particular thought has me redefine the word 'impossible'.
Although I've deemed alcohol as, for me, hazardous, That’s not to say alcohol does not have its place. It's amazing how happy I feel attending some planned event and enjoying a drink with good people, as I mentioned good people are a powerful trigger. Everything is quite different to how I felt before with the compulsory 'it's-Friday-time-to-get-fucked-up' feeling. I can't help the change, I drink differently to how I used to drink. Its now simply enjoying the moment. It's Pure.
However, because alcohol is in fact a depressant, if I need to put water on the fire, so to speak, I can have a drink, relax, and quite literally stop my mind from overheating without the lasting effects of something as powerfully sedative and permanent as zyprexa, the poison of poisons. (if you've been prescribed it do yourself a favor and just stop. It will kill you... invisible shackles for the mind.)
So whats the word of the day? Overheat.
Overheating.
That’s now the warning in whatever I do – DO NO OVERHEAT. If I didn’t sleep enough the night before and I start running I can feel the overheating kick into gear. It’s quite scary with hallucinations not uncommon, as if you can see the electronic waves of wifi, Bluetooth or any phone line. It's shroom-esque and in the name of control, I have to put a lid on it.
As you've probably noticed, the mind is anything but an exact science. I’m still trying to work out some kinks in my own head as I write this – for example, sleeping leads to cooling, but exercise leads to overheating, so isn't that a bad thing? But. I need it. it’s like a battery for my mind. I need it. I really do. AND it’s when I’m pushing through the breaking point on the treadmill that I have my best light bulb moments/ideas.
If I had to put a name on what is going on inside of me I’d say it is a closeness to god. I don’t believe in god in the conventional sense and that can be seen in my writing, so maybe I should say a closeness to the source, and the closer I get to the source, without imploding, the more powerful I become. Perhaps this time around, I'll explode. Right or wrong, one thing I do believe, is that we, collectively, are the source.
I am.
You are.
We are.
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