Disclaimer, I am, in all likelihood, completely out-of-my-mind nuts, so...
To take a quote from my book, “the word of a madman is of little consequence,” or, to lift a line I laughed at from The Hulk in The Avengers when referring to Loki, "that guy's brain is a bag full of cats, you can smell crazy on him"
- take from this what you will.
The 6th of the 6th '17 represents my 10th anniversary since being sectioned for the first time and for some reason or another 2017 has seen me stop running from my history and start embracing it, genuinely unperturbed, for the most part, by what people think and emerging from whatever closet I was hiding in. The 16th of the 6th represents my 10 days inside Highgate, so 10 years ago today I was released. Not surprisingly, these 10 days were an intense period of heightened emotion reduced to both uncontrollable (yet cathartic) tears and euphoric happiness in the space of minutes.
So, happy anniversary to me.
(And congratulations you're still alive)
Presently, because of the turmoil happening inside I find myself more withdrawn from the world around me, it's hard for people to relate to me, seeing as I'm obsessed with something you can't see or touch, something so abstract it's quite difficult to explain, I'll try though, as this is my only form of therapy... a lunatic raving to himself about... himself, which, funnily enough, is exactly how I felt when I was seeing psychologists 10 years ago, except this time reparation payments are in the hippy form of imaginary hugs, so, my obsession is this, an almost outer-body-experience type feeling. The feeling itself is indescribable. Truly. It's like fire flowing through your veins and at times of heightened emotion, the mind is in excruciating pain, in a bizarrely addictive way, I guess like working out... I don't think I'll ever be able to explain it clearly, no one can tell you how this feels, but through research I know some people can emphasise to an extent. The feeling is mega addictive and consumes entirely, it is also fluid, meaning, I felt it four months ago, but four weeks ago I felt nothing. I wrote about control in March, the importance of sleep, exercise and eating right. The exercise and the eating right part is fine, but how do you sleep when your mind is on, I can't think of a more accurate word then on fire? I'm operating at a capacity beyond March now, which isn't good news. The only way to distract and control is to literally run my body into the ground, it means my Samsung Health is reporting in June an average activity rate of 200 minutes a day, with me in the top 1%.
But, and according to my post late March, this is entering the dangerzone, I'm going to sleep later and waking up earlier. Three days ago, Tuesday night, Wednesday morning I had to go for a run well after midnight lest explode, and I couldn't stop running until my legs were begging to collapse, I was reaching for anything, literally anything to expel the pain/energy from my mind... all I could see or feel was fire - the lyrics of the song I was listening to in all likely hood served as petrol, "Under the bright, but faded lights you set my heart on fire, where are you now, where are you now..."
I can't remember what time I gave up, but I remember feeling like my heart was on fire.
So, now I go walking/running around Hyde Park after the gym and, when taking into account my personality, I've developed an interest for things I simply wouldn't have an interest in... like classical music, try November from Max Richter. The violin is beautifully heartbreaking. It's how I'd imagine Christian Bale felt in Equilibrium when he stops taking his medication and starts to feel for the first time - everything is in HD.
That's how I'm feeling now...
I started taking landscape pictures of things like long grass or sunsets (I know, I know - get the chinaman 'Gayyy' GIFY out)
But it's beautiful no?
For all my crazy talk, this is a gift, a world where I can see the beauty in everything. A world where every feeling is amplified. The word everything, as does beautiful, has an entirely different meaning to yesterday.
E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
There is a mad violinist going rampage in my heart as these feelings rage with the fury of a thousand suns. I must admit though, writing this has given me a peace I haven't enjoyed for a while.
It feels like confession.
It's quite, I think cleansing is the best word I can come up with at this point in time.
Thank you!
I have a long evening ahead - The 16th June coincidentally happens to be the one evening I picked this month to really enjoy so... on that note... have a great weekend!!!
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