While writing this it has come to my attention that today marks the official end of the summer… How quaint. How dangerously apt. And thank god - I can't take the summer - My mind is not built for it - boundaries go out the window and in it's place... some sort of ill-advised hedonism. This post marks a checkpoint regarding my journey into the heart of darkness, and make no mistake – a seductive darkness beckons.
It is at this moment I am reminded of that scene from ‘Natural Born Killers.’
“Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."
Moral of the story?
"Look, bitch, you knew I was Mike. Don't be upset when I do Mike-like things."
My last post was dark – destroy something beautiful – It was too dark. I couldn’t even post it in facebook or send to my subscribers, I’d get too much… What's the right word? flak? worry? Judgement? All the above?
Today I don't feel apocalyptic
I feel melancholic
In fact, I deleted an entire essay about darkness, fire, brimstone and revenge, titled 'Black Heart'.
Somehow... it turned into this...
This measured-in-comparison, tame-dog post is all I have left.
It's as if I can't be bothered to fight back anymore.
It doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
Can you believe I'm still fighting anger for something that happened when I was seventeen. Ten years ago, and people still tell me of this person's malicious hatred.
And new enemies continue to form
I don't even know why, but if I'm not hating.... I'm being hated.
I feel like the beast when he gives up fighting against Gaston. Or Wall-E, you ever see that film? How can you fight when you don't know what or who you're fighting?
Today marks the first day of Autumn. I embrace it as I put behind both a legendary and damning summer in equal measure.
What did I learn this summer?
"I love to party, but it doesn't make me happy."